As a person with both a voracious sexual appetite and serious loner tendencies, I really enjoy sexting. I love the process of cowriting filthy Choose Your Own Adventure-style erotic scenarios, upping the ante with each exchange, my imagination inspired by whatever textual sex act my partner has just suggested until my thumbs start to cramp and my iPhone battery is about to die.
If you’re lucky and I trust you, I also like to send (and receive!) naked pics, though usually a body part at a time. I don’t do mirror selfies and without a selfie stick it’s pretty much impossible to get a full body shot any other way — besides, I think a single hard-nippled tit peeking out from an open button-up shirt or an on-all-fours, over-the-shoulder booty shot is hotter anyway. Getting a GOOD photo, though, is not so easy. Until my dog grows opposable thumbs and develops an artist’s sense of lighting and composition, I’m stuck with whatever my arm’s full extension can fit into the frame. Usually it takes at least a dozen tries before I manage to snap a photo that doesn’t look like a Rorschach brain teaser.
You can always photoshop alternatives. You can read here which ones are the best.
The other evening I was engaged in such a photoshoot — arched back, thong-on, standing butt shot this time — when I had an idea. I’m obsessed with a makeup app called Perfect365, which I mostly use to airbrush my selfies so that my skin looks like it’s made out of wax and to erase the dark bags under my eyes from years of not getting enough sleep. Contrary to what you might think, I actually have found that the “better” I can make my selfies look, the less I care about how I actually look. It’s great! Anyway, there I was, bracing myself against the doorframe, standing on my tippy-toes, extending my right arm behind me, iPhone lens trained and focused on my buttcheeks, when I had the following thought:
“I wonder if I can upload a picture of my butt to Perfect 365 and make it look even better than it already does.”
My sext recipient would have to wait. Because I was going to find out.
Here is a picture of my butt in all its glory. Yes, there is a hole in my lace underwear. Unfortunately I don’t think I am going to be able to fix that. (They were 5-for-$25 at Aerie so they don’t hold up for very long, but they are quite comfy.) Yes, I’ve thought long and hard about the ramifications of putting my buttcheeks on the internet, but Donald Trump has a shot at winning the presidency, so it appears the end is near anyway:
So the way Perfect 365 works is you select a selfie or a group photo or whatever that you want to edit and the app scans it and identifies all the faces in the photo. If your face is partially blocked, the app won’t always register it and give you an error message – at that point, you can select your face manually and it will re-scan that area and identify your facial features. I was delighted to discover that Perfect 365 will respond just as intelligently to a photo of my ass cheeks. Just as with a photo where a face can’t immediately be identified, I manually added each individual buttcheek as its own face:
Next, it was time to edit each buttcheek face individually. For shits and giggles, and to see where the app had initially decided to place the key points for typical facial features, I randomly clicked on one of the preset makeup looks called “ChellaGlam.” (I assume this is the look you’d select if you wanted your selfie to look like you got all glammed up for Coachella.) Lo and behold, the “lips” on my butt are apparently poutier than the lips on my face. Sad:
I cracked up for a minute, and then returned to the serious business at hand. Clearly, the app had worked too well, and had somehow managed to find a human face behind the dimples on my ass. But I wanted the app to work its magic on my entire cheek and not just the area where ChellaGlam emerged – luckily, Perfect 365 let’s you manually move the keys points around, which is what I did next:
Now, when I said I wanted to make my butt look “better” what I meant was that I wanted it to look a little smoother and unblemished, so you couldn’t see as many stretch marks or the subtle imprint from the waistband of the pants I’d been wearing all day or the vaguely vein-y look that happens to skin when it’s cold. Perfect365’s skin-softening tool is ideal for such purposes. Scrolling through the options at the bottom of the screen, click “Skin,” select “Soften Skin” and then use the bar on the right to adjust just how soft you want to go. I still wanted my butt to look realistic, so I only went about three-quarters of the way.
I could see that MOST of my cheek had softened, but there were still parts of the skin that were outside the correction zone, so I adjusted the key points again from within the Skin section so I could see the results right away. By the time I was done moving the key points, my entire butt looked so poreless that I actually had to adjust the softening tool to only a third of its full power. At that point, it was perfect:
I repeated all of the steps above to my other buttcheek’s face until the results were satisfying. I know this post is long, but I’m just trying to be thorough, since I’m assuming you will all read this and think I’m an incredible genius and start Perfect 365ing your own butt pics (or tit pics or whatever). In actuality, Perfect 365 took my ass from fine to fucking fabulous in about five minutes, TOPS:
I sexted the final result to its intended recipient, and then stored the pic in my Nudes folder for future use. What? You don’t do this? You don’t save your awesome sexy photos to send at a later date to someone entirely different? Well, you should, it’s only common sense. Just make sure to remember that tan lines are seasonal and therefore a dead giveaway in winter that the photo is not “current,” unless you’ve just returned from a tropical vacation.
While I was waiting for his reply, I rewarded my hard work with a little fun. And then I sexted this one too, for laughs.
I hope you have enjoyed this first installment of Sext Tips, a semi regular feature in which I will be imparting all the ludicrously important discoveries I make as a very sexual introvert with too much time on her hands.
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry
