We’ve had lots of boyfriends who we’ve had to remind to wash their hands before they put them anywhere near our vaginas. Don’t they know that dirty paws cause yeast and bacterial infections, or, on the off chance that he’s been chopping jalepenos, a fucking wildfire down there? These are the kinds of thing that people with penises don’t seem to understand. They think we’re molly coddling our coochies, being precious about our privates, but vadges really are temperamental.
Because of germs and jalepenos and general man hand dirtiness, we humbly request that the Invention Gods create a biometric hand sanitizer so boys could scan their hands and be germ/jalepeno/whatever-free within seconds. How much more fun would that make sex? A lot more, we think.
Click onward for some more sexventions that we think would revolutionize our sex lives.
Just like at the airport, you can place hands or body part under the motion-censored dispenser and get all lubed up without having to touch anything or make a mess. And if anything gets dry, just rinse and repeat. Or lube and repeat, rather.
A mouth spray that removes pubic hair from your mouth and in-between your teeth after oral sex and freshens breath at the same time.
This device, worn like a wrist watch, will beep if you have a tampon in your vagina so that you don’t try to put anything else in there — a penis, a vibrator, a finger or another tampon. Sometimes we forget.
Not unlike a mini-dustbuster, this tiny but powerful vacuum sucks up sperm or vaginal fluids without leaving any sticky residue. It’s a miracle!
A bed that makes itself actually exists already. But we hope it will be available and affordable for the masses soon because re-making the bed after sex is the worst.
The Royal Flush
This is like one of those flushers that you use to get hazardous chemicals out of your eyes, but for sperm. You can shoot The Royal Flush up your vagina immediately following a condom breaking or a pull-out failure, and, with a vagina-safe and eco-friendly mixture, it would flush out and kill any lingering sperm and prevent unwanted pregnancy. Bonus if can also flush out any possible STIs. That would make life like the ’70s again.
A condom that doubles as a tampon for snappy period sex clean up.
It’s an air freshener that specifically targets that funky post-sex odor.
The Queaf Vacuum
This suction cup is placed over the vagina or anus to remove any extra air or gas before sex. If we die without ever hearing another vagina suction slosh/queaf/fart again while fucking, we will die happy.