Ahh, the nerve-wracking first date. Rarely do we take a gamble on that guy or girl from OKCupid, meet up for drinks and find ourselves pleasantly surprised. Most times…well, most times fall into the “other” category. Take it from me, I’ve been out with some winners, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. There are some no-no’s that are guaranteed to send your dates running faster than the contestants in “The Hunger Games,” and I think we can all agree that the following 10 dealbreakers leave us no choice but to never. EVER. see you again.
1. Picking Your Nose: In your car, at the table, in the elevator or wherever it may be. If we see you do this, you’re done. And don’t try and fool us with that whole “deep itch” act. If you need to dig for gold, do it in the privacy of your own bathroom, like the rest of us.
2. Excessive Tardiness (Without Calling): I once waited for my date at a restaurant for 30 minutes past our reservation time. When I was about to call it quits, he showed up and told me that he was finishing folding his laundry. UNACCEPTABLE.
3. Suggesting A Quickie In The Bathroom Before The Entrees Arrive: You may say, “But why is this bad? It shows they have a sense of humor?” Yes, yes it does. It also shows they want in your pants and could care less if you’re starving because TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.
4. Talk Of Missing The Ex: If he/she mentions how much they miss their ex or they’re constantly starting sentences with “When I was with [insert ex’s name here],” you need to run. This person is clearly hung up on what could have been, and you have become his/her new therapist. Congratulations.
5. Flirting With The Wait Staff: I don’t take my mom out to Mother’s Day brunch and then talk about how awesome all of the other moms seem. Don’t do it on a date.
6. Calling Home Mid-Date To Give A Status Update: This also goes for calling best friends, roommates, siblings, etc. Discreet “I have found my future wife” texts from the bathroom are okay because we don’t know about them. But the second you call mom from the table to let her know your date is going well, I will doggy bag my filet mignon and leave your ass.
7. Requesting To Leave For Another Date: Poor form. Do not do this. Also, this includes requesting to leave because date #2 has arrived where you are: the location of date #1.
8. Non-Tippers: I don’t care if the waiter or waitress took too long to bring you your side of spicy mayo. You leave a tip, dammit. There is NOTHING that excuses this cheap, rude behavior (unless they spit on you and call you an asshat or something, in which case, we can discuss).
9. Showing Up Incoherent: It’s one thing to have a glass of wine to subdue first date jitters, but if you took six tequila shots or smoked enough weed to put down Willie Nelson, this date will not continue.
10. Farting: This is a big milestone in relationships. If you’ve been dating long enough to fart in front of each other, you’re on the right track. If you start busting ass on the first date, you have something wrong with you (unless your flatulence is a medical problem, in which case it’s slightly more acceptable … but only slightly).