12 Online Dates I’m Really Glad I Didn’t Go On

Wendy Stokesby:


Happy National Unmarried and Single Americans Week! It’s a real holiday. Yes, it is! It’s a week for singles and unmarrieds to celebrate themselves, to flaunt their status and feel superior to all the coupleds and marrieds. Or something like that. I’m not sure. It’s been National Singles Week for me for the better part of seven years and I’ve never felt superior. Well, maybe a few times.

It would figure, that after being single all this time, this would be the week that I would become NOT single. I mean, I’m still unmarried (and plan to stay that way) so I technically qualify to observe the week. But Mr. Trapeze and I have officially decided to be “fall boyfriend and girlfriend.” We both wanted to be exclusive, but felt that making a seasonal commitment seemed far less daunting. So we’ve decided to commit for the fall and to reevaluate in the winter. Over a slice of pizza, we agreed to the terms of our seasonal relationship, one them being that we’d both disable our OKCupid profiles.

As I logged on one final time, I had a chance to scroll through all my virtual suitors and be grateful for all the dates I didn’t go on. God. There were so many …

1. The guy whose profile picture was just him and his sports car. Could he have been anymore obvious about his mid-life crisis?

2. The guy who only wanted to talk about “Mad Men.” After four messages strictly about “Mad Men,” I was wondering if he knew OKCupid was a dating site and not a “Mad Men” fan site.

3. The guy who wanted to know where I purchased my romper. Um, why? Did he want the same one?

4. The guy who asked me if I would like to grab a snack sometime. Like he would pack a snack for me or we would go somewhere and order a bag of chips together?

5. The guy who asked me how the manhunt was going. Not quite the right approach. I assume he was trying to be funny, but it didn’t work.

6. The guy who introduced himself with the phrase “bye the by.” I just read the message over and over trying to understand the context in which he was using the phrase. I can’t even imagine what having a conversation with him would have been like.

7. The guy who sent me a knock, knock joke. More specifically, the message said, “Knock, knock … who’s there? … Buongiorno ….” That’s it.

8. The guy who asked how he could be sure I was “for real.” I think this was his indirect way of asking me out. I think?

9. The guy who said, “I just did a search for my best matches in the US. You were the most attractive one. No pressure. At all.

10. The guy who told me he liked my “words, pictures and attitudes.” Well, that about covers it all. A nice compliment, but an odd one.

11. The guy who asked me what my third favorite documentary was. No doubt this guy would have forced me to order my third favorite item on the menu.

12. The guy who IM’d me just as I was disabling my profile. Simply on the premise that this guy has shitty luck.

Source: Ami Angelowicz

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