Who was the first person you called the day your ex dumped you? Or that time you found a weird bump on that very private body part? Or the day you stumbled across that pair of barely worn Christian Louboutins at the Goodwill?
If you’re like me, you called a girlfriend. While I love my man and adore my cats to what some might consider a scary degree, the relationships I have with my girls is on an entirely different plane. They’re the funniest, smartest, weirdest (in a good way!) gaggle of broads I’ve ever met and I feel lucky every day to have them around.
It wasn’t always this way. I’ve had to prune my posse (please note that I’ve also been kicked out of people’s lives as well) and have discovered some types to avoid.
1. The Drama Queen
The Drama Queen isn’t happy (and “happy” is a relative term here) unless she’s freaking out. Little things we boring normals would shrug off—like a missed bus or parking ticket—become monumental shriekfests. She doesn’t get the flu; she gets oh-my-god-I-think-it’s-cancer! Everything is a crisis and she demands constant hand-holding and attention.
Luckily, these types can’t help but reveal their true colors pretty quickly and unless you’re content to be cast as an extra in your own life, you’ll banish her from the set.
2. Nurse Betty
There is nothing that makes this one as happy as a friend in need. This may seem like a good quality (and often is—for a while), but once you’ve got your butt back in gear, she either loses interest or, worse, reminds you constantly of how bad things once were, in the hopes that you’ll fall back into feeling like crap so she can “save” you again.
You have two choices with this type: Either arrange it so you’re constantly in crisis or pretend you’re problem-free so she gets bored. Better yet, introduce her to the Drama Queen—they’ll be very happy together.
3. Lady Hater
“I don’t have female friends because all the women I meet are jealous of me.” Yes, someone actually said this to me. Instead, this person prefers her friends to be of the male variety—ideally, hopelessly in love with her and willing to do her bidding.
You don’t really have to worry about ditching this snot because she doesn’t want anything to do with you in the first place.
4. The Critic
Also known as the frenemy, the critic is chock-full of helpful suggestions. For instance, you know your favorite dress? Well, it makes you look kind of fat. No offense. Speaking of which—have you gained a little weight? Or are you pregnant? Are you sure? Well, never mind, you can have some of her old “fat” clothes since she has no use for them anymore.
Understandably, critics have a fairly high turnover rate in the friend department. I unfriended one such mean girl only to have her show up at a mutual friend’s birthday party—for the sole purpose of telling the birthday girl exactly what was wrong with her! ¡Feliz Cumpleaños!
5. The Leg Humper
Do you know what it’s like to walk into a bar and find one of your closest friends making out with the guy you’ve had a crush on for an entire year? I do! Granted, that’s nowhere near as bad as my friend Melissa who discovered her husband was schtupping her BFF, but still. It stung. And sure, nobody forced Melissa’s husband to be a cheating jerk, but a good girlfriend never would’ve gone there with him.
You’ll know when you’re in the presence of one of these bottom feeders by the way you become invisible the second there’s a guy in the vicinity.
So yeah, I had to learn the hard way. But having been put through the wringer by these types of lady scoundrels makes me doubly appreciate the awesome dames I still have in my life.
Original by Judy McGuire