Most people have sex in the pedestrian enclaves of their bedroom, on a Wednesday night, after prime-time television but before “The Daily Show.” It’s a simple affair, but it’s beautiful, because it works. The bedroom is a safe space with ALL the creature comforts you want when you’re doing it: clean sheets, water in plentiful abundance, all the lube you’d ever need, and at the end of everything, a bathroom you can scurry to when the deed is done so you don’t get a bladder or yeast infection. For most, this kind of sexual adventurousness is fine. There are some, however, that comb this earth, armed with a sexual bucket list, intent on doing it in any space two people can feasibly fit. If you find yourself with one of these sexual Lewis and Clarks, be prepared. Arm yourself with this list of places to have sex, ranked from best to worst, and be ready to face whatever challenge they’ve got in mind head on.
1. Everywhere listed in the chorus of 112’s seminal work, “Anywhere.”
Here’s a list of places suggested by Atlanta R&B quartet 112 in their song “Anywhere,” which tore up the dance floor of every high school dance I went to my senior year. The bedroom floor, on top of a waterbed — fine, but the lack of resistance makes the physics of actually having sex tricky. In the hallway, beside the stairs: if you live by yourself, and your kids are asleep, or whatever, go for it. If there are people that share those stairs, don’t you dare. The shower: use caution, lots of lube and don’t pull on the shower curtain in the height of passion. The patio and the kitchen floor: both relatively safe options, but once again, make sure that no one else is home.
2. In a car.
A car is actually a top notch place to do it. It’s private, it’s compact enough to force you two to be close, and if people come by, you can just drive away. Just watch out for cops shining those flashlights in your window, and don’t lean on the horn.
3. Under a waterfall.
I honestly cannot imagine anything less arousing than trying to have sex while standing under what is essentially an extremely powerful shower head. Also, water — especially saltwater — dries things out pretty bad, so if you’re gonna try to do it like they do in the movies, maybe make out a bunch under the waterfall and let your passions carry you to the shore where you can loll about like baby seals, assiduously avoiding getting sand in your vagina.
4. In an airplane bathroom.
I have never met anyone who’s successfully unlocked this sexual achievement First of all, I’m sure that the employees working on the aircraft see through all of your tricks, and even though it seems like they’re just sitting down on those little crash seats and reading magazines in the back by the beverage carts, they are likely totally keeping an eye on what’s going on in those tiny, weirdly-smelly restrooms. If you absolutely have to touch the genitals of your traveling companion, try throwing on some blankets during lights-out and seeing what you can do with your hands instead.
5. With someone else in the room, who is sleeping.
Ugh, I mean … you can do this if you really want, if you’re so consumed with desire that you simply cannot wait until that poor person who had the misfortune of sharing a room with you wakes up and leaves. You probably think you’re being quiet, but you’re not. Every squeak of the bedsprings, every stifled moan, every squicky sex noise that emanates from your two passionate bodies — the other person in the room is laying in bed, WIDE THE FUCK AWAKE and desperately wishing they were anywhere else. Don’t be that guy.
6. Under a boardwalk.
If you want to risk it by getting half-nude in dark, oddly cool sand amongst empty bags of Cheetos, beer bottles and swim trunks with the elastic stretched out, be my guest.
7. On a Ferris wheel.
Something about the rides at local fairs bring out the horn dog in everyone. Maybe it’s because it reminds you of that one summer you fell in love for a brief moment with the boy with the blue eyes who worked at the funnel cake stand down the midway. Or, maybe you just like the idea of doing it in a weird swinging gondola operated by a disinterested middle-aged drifter with a predilection for Newports and schnapps. Slip the ride operator a twenty and see if he’ll throw the brakes when you reach the top, and good luck getting in the mood to the soundtrack of screaming tweens jacked up on cotton candy and lemonade. A safer alternative would be to recreate the “Wild Horses” scene from “Fear,” but without a complete psycho.
8. In a hospital.
The plot line of “Parenthood” this season is focusing on the pregnancy of one of the characters, who apparently got knocked up while boning her estranged ex-fiance while he was in traction in a hospital. I know there are beds in a hospital, but it seems insane to me that a patient would be left alone long enough to actually do it. Don’t the nurses come by and check on you? If you’re in traction, isn’t that kind of physical activity taxing? If you’re the one being boned, do you sort of climb astride and gingerly move until at least one person achieves orgasm? So many questions, not enough answers.
9. In an elevator.
How does this even work? Do you hit the emergency stop button and do it real quick? Is part of the thrill knowing that when the door opens, your boss or the cleaning lady will walk in? Are you entertaining some sort of private sexual fantasy in which the Solange elevator incident went in an entirely different direction? I don’t know, man. This seems risky, and not in the naughty way.
10. On horseback.
Doing it on horseback seems like something that only exists in soft-lit porn and romance novels. It’s a logistical nightmare. The horse is an unwitting participant in your love, which has to be animal abuse on some level, plus both of you have to stay up on the damn thing during your lustful ministrations, which seems like more trouble than it’s worth. I didn’t think it was possible, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, if you can think of it, it’s probably on the internet. The only lessons I can leave you with is if you’re serious about this, start working on your core, and make sure the horse is tethered to something before you get down. A broken neck would not be sexy.