Three years ago I became pregnant with my son and the father was my then-boyfriend. The day I told him I was pregnant, he hit the road and I didn’t hear from him until my son was three weeks old. He stuck around for a month and then hit the road again, just as quickly as he came back. Since then, the only contact I’ve had with him is via e-mail, until he decided to delete that e-mail address so I could no longer contact him. He is a doctor, not just some deadbeat with no money, so finding him is relatively easy. Over the past two and a half years, he’s pulled some extremely hurtful moves and it goes without saying that I obviously hate him. Well the past few months, I’ve been having tons of dreams about him, where we secretly get back together even though we know it’s wrong. We’re flirty, happy, lovey dovey, having fun, and hanging out with friends like we used to. When I wake up, I feel sick about the idea of ever being romantic or even friendly towards him again. I’m also mad at myself for having these dreams and letting him have any control over me whatsoever, even in my subconscious. Why am I having dreams about him and what do they mean? – Bedbeat
I’m so sorry about your experience with this man (if we can even call him that). I commend you for staying so strong for your son. This deadbeat dad should be ashamed of himself … truly. But enough about him, let’s talk about your dreams. I think it’s good news that you are having these dreams, although I know that must sound preposterous. Dreams can act like balancing scales between our conscious and unconscious minds, meaning that dreams will compensate or counterbalance extreme waking points of view. In waking life, you are spending a lot of energy hating this guy – rightfully so. But your unconscious mind is compensating with lots of loving energy. The frequency of the dreams and the intensity of the feelings lead me to believe that the hurt and hatred you are harboring for this man are interfering with your life. These dreams are a signal that it’s time for you to begin the process of healing. The point is not that you should forgive and forget, but more that you should deal with your anger and pain so you can move on with your life and be at peace for the sake of you and your son — whatever that looks like. Maybe it means being amicable co-parents or never talking to this man again. You’ll have to see what’s best for you and your child.
Why is this important? Because hating someone and feeling like a victim takes up a whole lot of energy. And you need that energy to live the full and happy life ahead of you. You need energy for your son, for yourself, for your career, and perhaps for falling in love again. These dreams are urging you, forcing you to deal with the situation. My hunch is that up until now, you’ve been able to do whatever you needed to do to survive, but now you are ready to do more than survive; you are ready to thrive.
A word of advice: You are in charge of your healing. This man has no power over you unless you allow him to. One of the most powerful things you can do as a woman and a mother is find peace and happiness in your life. Best of luck.
