Are you intrigued about the erotic, consensual power play involved with BDSM, but aren’t sure you are ready just yet to make an investment in a full-scale dungeon? Well, we have good news for you: You can incorporate BDSM elements into your partnered sex life without needing to master dozens of various rope ties or spend a fortune on purchasing new accessories.
Even in the post-Fifty Shades World that were are living in, there is no need to be ashamed about being new to the BDSM realm. And although it can be fun to invest in sex toys and kink gear, this style of play is ultimately about you and consensual power exchange with a partner or partners, and not about capitalism.
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According to lockthecock money is not necessarily required for BDSM. They point out that much of BDSM is psychological in nature, and if you are searching for impact play, many individuals feel that nothing can beat their hands, and that is completely free. Also, you can use various household items like clothespins and rope in scenes, and they don’t cost much of anything. (A “scene” refers to a period of time where kinky play occurs). From experimenting with role play to restraining your partner safely, the following are eight different ways that you and your partner can start exploring BDSM tonight.
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1. Discuss your boundaries and interests
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When we speak about submission and dominance in BDSM, we are referring to consensual power exchange: This means that even when a submissive partner is completely tied up and allowing what occurs in a scene to be dictated by the dominant partner that all partners involved have discussed and agreed on the terms ahead of time. In fact, the submissive can even be considered as the one who is in control since the dominant partner is responsible to respect the sub’s limits at all times. Before you try anything new, discuss things with your partner first to ensure that you are both interested and comfortable with whatever is about to take place. You might be interested in having a safe word that will stop play if necessary. Learning what your boundaries and turn-ons are (as well as your partner’s) is all part of the enjoyment of BDSM, and discussing the experience before it occurs can be its own form of foreplay that builds anticipation.
2. Try some dirty talk out.
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Are you a submissive who enjoys being reprimanded? Would you like to be told you are a bad girl and are going to do whatever Daddy wants? If so, then ask your partner if they will talk dirty to you. Anybody can participate in a dirty talk that relates to BDSM themes, whether you are a submissive, a dominant, or both (a person who plays both of these roles is called a switch). What dirty talk does is allow you to fully express your desires. You can use verbal cues to help visualize some very hot fantasies. Maybe you have the fantasy of being tied up but for now, you just would like for your partner to tell you how they are going to tie you up and restrain you and then (consensually) use you. Or maybe you would like to see what it feels like to call them “Sir.” What dirty talk allows you to do is to explore your fantasies before you try them out physically.
3. Try using a blindfold.
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Incorporating some sensory deprivation into your sex life is a tantalizing and easy way to build up some heightened tension. When you take stimuli away from one of your senses temporarily, it can help to heighten other senses. For example, when you are wearing a blindfold and can see, the way your partner’s mouth tastes or a whisper into your ear can seem even more exciting and intense.
If you would like to purchase a blindfold, begin with a comfortable silk one such as an $8 silk mask that you can buy. Or you can use the silk tie from a bathrobe or a sleeping mask. Depending on the specific role that you would like to play, you can ask to blindfold your partner or have them blindfold you. Once the blindfold has been put on, the partner who is not wearing it can tantalize and tease the wearer, and them guessing what is about to come next, by using a feather to tickle their erogenous zones, whisper dirty talk in their ear or kiss them over their entire body.
4. Explore orgasm control.
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Usually, orgasm control is called “edging,” especially when done to an individual with a penis. It involves bringing someone almost to orgasm and then stopping the stimulation abruptly, and then repeating it as desired. If orgasm control is something new for you, then you are probably already aware that delayed gratification can make the ultimate reward even sweeter. To explore orgasm control it isn’t necessary to have a specific edging routine. If you are the submissive partner, just relax and allow your dominant partner to take control of your orgasm. have them use a sex toy or their mouth to bring your almost to climax, and then stop right before. Once you are unable to wait any longer, allow them to cross over the finish line and get ready to have the most intense orgasm that you have had in a very long time.
5. Purchase a massage candle
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You can do more with candles that simply creating some nice mood lighting. You can also use them for temperature play or to use cold and hot to elicit arousal during sex play. (The technique may be featured in both BDSM and vanilla sex.)
When it comes to candles, you could have your partner drizzle hot candle wax all of your body. However, make sure that you don’t use candles you bought at the grocery store. Those candles can contain wax that will get a little too hot. There are companies such as Jimmyjane that make massage candles that are specifically designed to use in sex play. They are available in erotic scents like date, ginger, and bourbon. The sex-specific candles also burn at a lower temperature compared to most regular candles and melt into a luxurious oil that can be used for erotic massage. Given that role-play, and particularly anything where power dynamics are involved, is very enjoyable in BDSM, you can try out role-playing as a client and massage therapist – and even include a happy ending if you would like.
6. Learn about rope
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The critical element in many BDSM scenes is restraint. After you have discussed with your partners what activities you want to explore while one of you is tied up (maybe that’s oral sex, nipple biting, and spanking) and what are off-limits (maybe you are not into face slapping or spitting), then the tying up can start. There are a lot of good books you can learn basic knot-tying techniques from, like Midori’s The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. However, it isn’t necessary to get too fancy. You just need to ensure that the tie or knot is something that you will be able to undo once you are ready. There is specialty bondage rope that you can purchase or you can use a bathrobe tie or scarf. Pro tip: Whatever material you are using, lay it down flat against your partner’s skin so it doesn’t bunch up or threaten to cut the circulation off. If you are using rope, have some safety shears handy so in case one of the knots get stuck you will be able to cut the rope off.
7. Put on handcuffs
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Another very common restraint tool that is used is handcuffs. They have a tendency to be very user-friendly. Although ropes are very versatile, you with handcuffs you won’t need to worry about having tying skills, and cuffs can also be used to ensure a submissive partner can’t touch themselves, so they can be useful when exploring orgasm denial as well. Start out with some comfortable Velcro cuff, or there are metal cuffs available from the Fifty Shades of Grey product line if you want something that looks more realistic.
8. Play dress-up
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One thing that can help you into the right kinky mood is role-playing where you take on personas of individuals with power dynamics that you would like to explore, like professor and student, or boss and secretary. Dressing up is a liberating and creative way to explore your hidden desires, so if the thought of being submissive or dominant with your partner is something that turns you on but you are feeling a bit nervous about it, then the right outfit might help.
