Men Share the Hilarious Stories of the First Time They Beat Their Meat

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That Day You Became a Man…

We all remember our first time losing our virginity, but do you also recall the first time you touched yourself? The beginning of puberty is hard. Getting flooded with hormones awakens your sexuality.

When we women get turned on, we don’t have anything that needs hiding from view. Men, on the other hand, were constructed with their genitals on the outside, which can make things really embarrassing when they get a hard-on in public.

When guys discover touching themselves, their entire world changes. It’s not unusual for a teenage boy to spend hours locked in their bedrooms or take really long showers in order to enjoy their bodies.

There’s nothing like your first time learning how to do it. These guys have no problems sharing their first jerks with Reddit and Your Tango.

Pillow Pals

It’s funny because I was always horny, but for the longest time I couldn’t figure out how to masturbate. I would hear other boys talk about ‘beating your meat’ and tugging your penis, but I just didn’t get it. This was also before online porn, so I didn’t have a lot of resources at my disposal to learn from. It was not until out of frustration I started rubbing a pillow on my penis that I first climaxed and I learned how masturbation was supposed to feel. I became quite an enthusiast after that. (Anonymous via Your Tango)

Sick Sick Sick

My parents were out of town for some reason. I was supposed to go over to a friend’s house, but before going I decided to I was going to try masturbating. It seemed like a good idea, I had spent a couple hours that morning looking at Victoria Secret models and their airbrushed out tits, so I was satisfactorily turned on. Anyways I propped the toilet seat up and rubbed that magic lamp, well I came. And the strange thing was it didn’t feel great or even good, just sort of nauseating. After that I had a headache and wanted to vomit for the rest of the day, and my friend’s mom kept asking why I didn’t look so good. [deleted user]

Push through the pain

I was a young tween and in the days leading up, I played with myself a lot but didn’t quite orgasm and stopped when it hurt. Well, one night, something told me to keep going, and the pain, to my surprise at the time, felt good. Not much later, I orgasmed. It wasn’t my best one, but it felt pretty good, and it led to a lot more, if my teenage years are any guide. (Anonymous via Your Tango)

Shower

I would play with myself in the shower. I began to do this for extended periods of time. Finally, it happened. The first time I came, my head thrust wildly, I hit my head on the shower wall, and I fell to the ground. My head was throbbing, but I couldn’t wait to do it again. (SHUT_UP_WOMAN)

It’s fuzzy

I can’t remember — it was so long ago but I’m sure I enjoyed it and was a mixture of emotions when I orgasmed, thinking what the hell my semen was and wondering if I needed to save my allowance for Kleenex purchases! (Anonymous via Your Tango)

“Pee”

At the time I really didn’t even know what masturbation was; my computer homepage was netscape.com, and there was a category for “guys”, which typically consisted of pictures of hot chicks in bikinis. So after my school basketball game I quickly ran home to view this page. This time, however, nobody else was home. I figured hey, my pesky pal seems to be enjoying this, let’s give him a tug. It was just a general nice and awkward massage. Til suddenly I felt like I had to pee, so I stopped and stood up. Then I didn’t have to, so I sat back down. Then I touched myself, had to pee, stood up, went away, sat, touch, stood, sat. Literally 10-15 minutes of this. Til I started getting scared something was wrong with me. So I touch myself for a wee bit longer than I should have, and suddenly I’m like OMFG I HAVE TO PEEEEE. I pull up my pants but it was too late. My pants were on and I feel myself peeing.

Endless thoughts racing through my mind. “Wtf how can I not stop this?” “Omg what am I 4?” “What if something’s wrong with me!”

So I get to the bathroom, pull open my Levis chamber, and I don’t see any pee. Just some glorious white substance. THAT’S WHEN HEALTH CLASS CAME RUSHING BACK TO ME.

I ran upstairs and changed pants AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT. (TrulyAuthentic)

Why do we need sex ed?

I don’t remember the date or anything, but I certainly remember the experience… my first time, I actually sucked myself off. The first few times, in fact. I heard about blowjobs and heard jokes about “if I could do that I’d never leave the house” and I was a skinny, extremely flexible kid who was born without the capacity for shame (whatever flipped that switch, thank you DNA) and a great deal of curiosity. I had already started puberty and my dick grew before anything else, making it easier. Great experience, but it was an awful lot of work. So after awhile I decided to try using my hand. The first time I used my hand, I got caught by my mom. Don’t know if she knows what was going on, but she came in and I was naked so she quickly closed the door. I hope she wasn’t so stupid as to think I was too young to be masturbating, but she probably was.

I just wish my parents had taught me about it A> sooner, because I never got to experience a dry orgasm and B> so I knew more about cleanup. The first few… probably months… of doing it with my hand, I just came on the sheets and slept on the other side. It got very nasty, needless to say. But my mom never said a word. My bedroom had to have REEKED of cum. Later, I started using an old pair of boxers I hid in the back of a drawer in my dresser, and continued that habit (with those boxers not being washed) for YEARS until my dad finally said something when I was like 17. Yeah, if you don’t want to end up with disgusting stuff like that going on in your house, talk to your goddamn kids. Their bodies should not be a mystery. It’s 2009, I think it’s safe to teach other humans what being a human being is about even if they’re little. (otakucode)

Warrior Princess

I remember it was the weekend and there was a marathon of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ on TV, and there were so many scantily clad men and women on TV and I started to get hard. I panicked because I was not sure what was happening and turned over on my stomach on the couch to make sure my parents or sisters did not see. I was freaking out and ended up going up to my room trying to hide. My friend on the bus told me he had a wet dream and I figured that was happening so I started to masturbate, not knowing what was going to happen. It got very messy and I was so embarrassed and had to try and clean up fast before anyone else came upstairs. I felt dirty and like I had a secret, but I knew it was fun and I liked it. (Anonymous via Your Tango)

Cover Girls

I grew up in a fairly conservative household in central California, but stumbled across my dad’s stash of Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Not knowing the difference, I started with the Playboys, which was more than enough to get my novice self going. I made sure I knew exactly how to replace the magazines, double-checked that no one was home, and scurried off to the bathroom and locked the door. The images of beautiful, girl-next-door, tanned and toned women did the trick and immediate I was on my way. What they taught you in sex ed didn’t really prepare you for what’s to come (pun intended), and I quickly realized I needed to clean up the mess I had made. Once that was taken care of, I made sure to put the magazines back exactly where I found them, at least until next time… (Anonymous via Your Tango)

Surprise Semen

Masturbation before puberty is the best thing ever. Dry orgasms, no mess. So it was a shock when one day I was doing my thing and out shoots a surprise. I had to run to the bathroom with a palm full of semen going, “Jesus Christ, what the f*** is this?” (stoopkid)

Father Figure

I’m sure it was to one of the magazines I swiped from my dad’s bag (he probably used it too) or one that I found in the woods at an old fort behind a neighbor’s house (probably VERY used, too!). In the last nearly 30 years that I’ve been ‘handling’ things, it’s always pretty awesome and I’m hoping the first one was too, or else maybe I wouldn’t have done it again! (Anonymous via Your Tango)

“Jacking Off”

Funny story. I knew nothing about masturbation either so when I started doing it I did it wrong. The first time I was lying on my stomach and I was just humping the floor (watching scrambled porn on TV). All the sudden I realized I needed to take care of something so I went into the bathroom. For whatever reason my first instinct was to squeeze my dong with my hand and then release, squeeze, release, squeeze, release, until I climaxed. I was genuinely surprised at the stuff coming out at first but then all the memories of sex ed came rushing back and the revelation was earth-shattering. I did this for about a week before I figured out the jacking motion.

Also before this discovery I didn’t know what “jacking off” meant. I kept hearing kids joke about it at school (this is middle school age) so I just kind of played along but I had no clue. And I misunderstood the mechanics of sex, too. I thought the guy just put his thing in the girl and her parts magically pulsated or did something to his parts. I didn’t realize there was thrusting involved. This might have explain my unusual approach to masturbation.

Later on when I started having girlfriends I also didn’t realize that when kissing people move their lips. When my first gf and I kissed she thought I didn’t like her because I just sat still with my lips pursed while she tried to kiss me.

I was kind of a retarded adolescent. [deleted user]

Hands Free

I think I’m the only one on this thread who didn’t discover that I could use my hand for quite some time.

I’d been getting into some weird ‘games’ with my friend in the preceding months, and eventually one night alone I played ‘stick the penis in the stuffed animal hole’ by myself.

This wasn’t all that comfortable, so once I was done being impressed I could walk around with a large stuffed dog hanging from my wiener, I started to hump the bed. It felt really good and eventually I got a really liquidy feeling in my pelvis. When I came, it was a full-body, amazing head to toes orgasm that I have never had since. The next night I tried it again but the orgasm was limited to my pelvis and succeeding trials were less effective.

I of course thought I had discovered it, and that it was some dirty problem I had. It took a while for me to discover I could use my hand (great for not making very obvious squeaking noises) or that it wasn’t unusual. (paraffin)

Late Bloomer

I don’t expect many of you to believe this, but I was actually 28.
Funny because I was the first of my friends to get a wet dream when I was 10. I even remember it quite well, because they asked for a full description. There was a funhouse carnival and one of the attractions was something like a bingo tumbler with boobs in it. Reaching in proved to be the end of the dream.

I tried a number of times when I was a teenager to masturbate, but it didn’t seem to work for me. This was convenient because I was going to church and my peers complained about sex and masturbation all the time. It seemed like being free of that helped me be a better Christian. I would have wet dreams every few months, but I didn’t remember many of them, except for one lucid dream when I was at college when I could choose who to undress.

At the age of 28 I went to therapy for a general sense of malaise, covering most major areas of my life. After a few months the subject comes up and the therapist encourages me to try for a longer time (I was previously giving up after a few minutes) and use materials that I had a strong feeling about. This probably sounds silly to others, but I didn’t know what turned me on very well at all at the time.

I put on a video of a TV presenter I liked, and just rewound every five minutes or so. After 15 minutes, I felt an alarming surge and sprayed all over the carpet. I’d been standing up and I was surprised at the volume.
That was four years ago and I think my longest dry spell since then has been five or six days. I like to do it about five times a week. My porn collection is about 20GB, mostly video. (Terrorhythm)

Not Blood

My parents had just gone to sleep. For some reason, I felt like touching myself, but I wasn’t horny. Eventually after some fondling, I got hard and I thought “Hmm…touching myself feels pretty good, what if grip my hand around it?” So I did. I moved slowly up and down and in my head I kept thinking “Wow! This is great!” Since this was my first time masturbating, I came really easily and when it happened, it felt F***ING AMAZING, but I noticed that now I was wet and perhaps I had peed myself, but it didn’t smell like piss. So I freaked out because my penis was wet and it was dark as hell so I couldn’t tell if it was blood or not. I jumped out of bed screaming “I’m bleeding!!!” As soon as I got into my bathroom and turned on the light, my mom arrived and next thing I know I see some white sticky stuff on my hand and my mom immediately turned away and tells me to wash up and go to bed. I asked her what had happened to me and she said “You just got a little excited, go to school, you’ll learn.” (EpicPrince)

Enjoy more male masturbation stories here and over here.

Original by Chewy Boese