Priest Says Gay Sex Is Like Putting A Bagel In Your Ear

I’ve heard a lot of back-clapping self-congratulation between people who come up with arguments against the very existence of homosexuality that boil down to “Penises are supposed to go in vaginas” in my day, but this one takes the WTF Cake. This week, at a conference for Catholics who have “same-sex urges,” the Reverend John Riccardo likened gay sex to putting a bagel in your ear. From The Advocate:

“He said he tells students, what if ‘I just rip open a bagel, I take it, and I cram it in my ear. What would you say? When they respond, ‘That doesn’t go there,’ he says, ‘Exactly,’ and that doing so ‘will ruin your ear canal.’”

First of all, putting a bagel in your ear will not “ruin your ear canal.” As is very common with both penetrative anal and, by the way, vaginal sex, you may experience some slight tearing, but the great thing about the human body is that it has a cardiovascular and immune system for healing those slight tears. It’s just the cost of putting a bagel in your ear, or a penis in your anus or vagina. Inasmuch as that’s the case, yes, I guess that putting a bagel in your ear is kind of like putting a penis in the orifices in your undercarriage.

But otherwise, no. If you’re doing anal sex right, it shouldn’t be like stuffing a bagel into your ear, because theoretically, the penis going into the anus should be hard (is this news to anyone?). Men who have more experience with anal sex could correct me about this if I’m wrong, of course, since I don’t have a penis.

In terms of the argument that “That doesn’t go there!” or “It’s not natural!”, I don’t know, man. The human race has been enjoying anal sex, gay sex, and lesbian sex for a long, long, long, long time. I wish that these priests would do themselves a favor and read historical documents about sexual practices before, during, and after the time of Jesus, because they describe some sex acts that are pretty lurid by today’s standards. (The Turin Erotic Papyrus, Moche pots, and Babylonian artifacts all come to mind.) So apparently this God or whomever created humans to love doin’ it in the butt. Penises absolutely belong in anuses, or mouths, or vaginas, or hands, or even ears, if that’s your thing. Who cares?

Have fun, kids, and just remember to keep some Monistat on hand if you’re going to put bagels anywhere other than your mouth.

Original by Rebecca Vipond Brink