Gwyneth Paltrow’s beautifully-out-of-touch newsletter/lifestyle empire GOOP never really handles sex. That is probably for the best. GOOP plopped their first-ever sex issue into the universe and boy howdy, it’s a doozy.
The advice contained within is just as GOOPy as you’d imagine, very Tantra-and-organic-lube heavy with more than a touch of Goop’s signature opulence. Paltrow is rich; if she actually uses sex toys and doesn’t just achieve orgasm via transcendental meditation, whale song, and this picture of Sting and his wife, they are most likely very expensive. But, GOOP’s sex toy guide is egregious. Clocking in at a cool and totally normal $17,509 total, these items are only for people who have expensive sex. Sex with rich people. Sex with literal stacks of money, maybe. Sex that isn’t dirty or lewd or nasty, but sex that feels like it costs you something even though sex is technically, usually free.
The items on the list are the kind of stuff that you’d find in any sex shop in any city – your nipple clamps and vibrators and whips and things – but rendered in sumptuous leathers and gold. Yes, these items are most likely meant to be for display, the kind of thing a rich, sex-having person would strew about their library and leave out for guests to fondle but never actually use, but the fact of the matter is that all of these things are meant to be inserted in various orifices, covered in fluids and used, goddammit. Sex is messy! And it’s fun. And you shouldn’t have to spend $395 to put some clamps on your nipples and get after it.
Here are some reasonably priced options for those of you who want to get down with the get down without spending your rent money in one go.
Instead of these $395 Kiki DeMontparnasse nipple clamps/necklace/vibrating nipple clamps…
These Frisky Me Nipple Clamps vibrate, cost $30 and look like something you’d get at Radio Shack, but I bet you $5 and a Frito pie that they do the exact same thing.
Why spend $139 on this cock ring when you can get one for way, way less?
Look how fun this thing is! Yes, it looks like a weird prototype for Patrick the Starfish, but that prickly weird part that resembles those Adidas shower slides you used to wear in high school after swim practice will bump right up against your clit and I guess the whole thing vibrates so your partner’s dong will feel like both a vibrator and a dong, which is a win-win for both parties, yes? It’s considerably cheaer than the Lelo thing, which looks an awful lot like a chew toy for a tiny Pomeranian, so get this instead and prepare yourselves for sexual ecstasy.
Don’t buy this “Mandingo” dildo because it’s kiiiinda racist and also too expensive!! Get this perfectly normal and fine dildo instead.
The “Mandingo” dildo hawked by Goop is very nice. It’s like, really nice. It’s also made of “African bloodstone” and is called the “Mandingo,” so think about that for a sec. If you’re cool with sticking something in ya that carries strange racist connotations cloaked in the kind of New Age bullshit that Gwyneth Paltrow traffics in, then by all means, spend $155 on that dildo and then call it a day. But, if you’re sick of rubber and don’t want to pay top dollar for glass, this Black Obsidian Massage Wand from Etsy is still on the pricey side, but gets the job done just the same.
Instead of a hands-free, 24k gold vibrator that costs more than your cable bill, try something that does the same thing for half the money!
The Eva looks like a weird friendly alien but you put it all up in you, adjust for your actual labia and pass the handheld remote over to your partner who will do the rest. It’s basically the same concept as Lelo’s high-end and unnecessarily fancy gold plated vibrator, but for way less money. Also, it’s kind of cute? Do you care if your vibrator is cute? If you slapped googly eyes on this thing and let it vibrate while sitting on your coffee table, it kinda doubles as a pet.
And, even though this Fetish Fantasy Beginners Fantasy Kit isn’t that expensive…
You don’t need to spend $40 on a vibrator, a blindfold(??) and those handcuffs to figure out whether or not BDSM, in any iteration, is right for you. Here’s what’s cheap:
- That scarf you made when you thought you’d knit everyone scarves for Christmas one year, but didn’t
- A sleeping mask you got on Jet Blue when you went to Puerto Rico on vacation and held onto for the mornings when the sun comes up strong and bright and early
- The vibrator that you’ve been using this whole damn time
- Your own hand or perhaps a wooden spoon, wrapped in a gym sock
The best part about all of these items, however, is the price: free ninety-nine 😉 Who needs money to have a good, sexy time?
Original by Megan Reynolds