After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.
I’m a straight-identified woman dating a guy whose particular kink involves being feminized and topped in bed. Though I wouldn’t consider it a kink of mine, I’ve typically been a little more submissive in bed, and this is going to be my first time dominating a man. We’ve played a little bit so far — I’ve put lipstick on him, and dressed him up in my lingerie and stockings, and was surprised by how hot I thought it was. All great so far, but I’m struggling a little bit at figuring out how to be a good dominant. He’s told me some of the names he likes to be called, so I have a good understanding of his role in this fantasy, but not my own. Since he’s being more feminine, should I try to tap into my masculine side? Or can I be soft and feminine and dominant at the same time? When I think of female dominants, it’s all leather and bossy school arms and demanding to be called master — and that feels silly and not like ME. Got any advice for me?
Tons! As always, there isn’t going to be one answer that’s applicable across the board, because everyone is different. That said, there’s also no right way to dominate somebody and anybody who says there is is an idiot. There are certain things that you need to know scientifically and anatomically, like where a person’s kidneys are if you’re planning on hitting them – there’s right and wrong ways to use a bullwhip and shit like that. But for the most part, there’s no wrong or right way to be dominant.
When you’re dominating somebody in the context of a sexual fantasy, it’s fake. It’s not real. It sounds like your relationship understands this and is the correct — as I understand it, which is subject to opinion — type of dominant/submissive relationship; you’re incorporating this type of dynamic into your sex life, it’s not your actual life. There may be a level of foreplay in which you incorporate some of this stuff into your regular, every day life in order to build that sexual and enhance that tension – however, it’s still not real.* In a correct BDSM relationship, as I understand it, the actual dominant party is the submissive, because they own the safe word and dictate what they’re willing to do. The submissive is always the actual real-life dominant party. The Dominant is never actually the dominant one, because there’s only the illusion of power. All of it is fake, proven by that very rule.
The secret to both dominating and submitting is trusting that the person wants what you’ve agreed to do and are an equal participating party. Trust that they’ll tell you if there’s something they don’t like or if they’re not having fun. (That’s why having a safe word is important.) Then, you just have to let your mind go, and do whatever you want and be in charge! If at any point you don’t want to be in charge, you can tell them, “I don’t want to be in charge, YOU do this now!” – and the thing is, by being the one demanding it, you’re STILL dominating them.
An ex-girlfriend and I were doing a scene together once, and she was like, “I really want to shove my face in this girl’s butt, but I’m supposed to be the dominant party — how can shove my face in her butt and still be dominant?” Well, what you do is you grab her and say, “Sit there, I’m going to put my face in your butt” – and then do whatever the fuck you want!
Being a dominant doesn’t mean you have to be doing things to the submissive the whole time – or even at all – like spanking them or calling them names. Being dominant could mean telling them what they should do to you. You don’t have to hit your partner or call him names at all if you don’t want to — because you’re in charge and domination is about getting what YOU WANT. You can say, “Get behind me, stick your dick in me, and fuck me like a bitch!” – and you’re still the one in charge because you’re the one instructing. If partner says to me, “I broke this rule so that you would spank me and punish me by having rough sex with me,” and I know that she likes rough sex, I’m then NOT going to have rough sex with her right then. There’s going to be some other “consequence.”
Honestly, it’s not as complicated as it sounds. Being dominant is not the exclusive club like people make it out to be. Everyone has there own definition for domination and power, and they’re all correct because it’s subjective. Have a safe word, dominate in the way YOU want to, and don’t feel like there’s anything you HAVE to do or shouldn’t do. Have fun!
* If you live that dominant/submissive life 24/7, you’re a weirdo! STOP. You just look pathetic and weak if you don’t have the ability to have an eye to eye conversation with your partner. People are very confused, for the most part, and they find something that makes them feel good and they do it — it can be power, control, anything that fulfills them in that way. Then they get into the lifestyle, go down the rabbit hole and it turns into this insane thing.*
Original by James Deen @jamesdeen