We unveiled some pretty astounding info about the vajayjay, but the penis is just as mythic, let me tell ya! So, let’s drop some pants and some facts, after the jump.
- The longest distance a man was ever able to shoot with his zipper gun is held by Horst Schultz. He fired over 18 feet. We hope he didn’t hit anyone.
- Only one out of every 400 men is flexible enough to give themselves a BJ, but we’re willing to wager all 400 have tried. So, if you don’t like giving, maybe you outta try to find a dude who can bend like a pretzel.
- The wonders of modern science never cease, even with a nipped tip. One infant’s discarded foreskin can be grown into new skin for a burn victim, measuring 250,000-square feet, or roughly the size of the Crowne Plaza Resort at Niagara Falls.
- Sex really is just like riding a bicycle. If you thought dudes’ hands worked fast, their sperm could keep up with your old two-wheeler! The baby-making race has clocked competitors speeding down the vag highway at 200 inches per second. Remember, your average-sized tunnel of love is only three inches deep—that means it takes about .015 seconds to clear the finish line.
- The smallest penis ever recorded was 1 centimeter. How? Why?! Well, it turns out there are two ways you wind up with a teeny D: 1) You’ve got a micro penis, where most of your little guy is shy and stays hidden in your body, or 2) The peen glands are stuck right on your pubic bone, so you get no wand for your magic. That condition is called congenital hypoplasia— which has a name longer than the Johnson it describes. Oh, what a cruel world!
- Statistically, only 15 percent of men are over 7 inches, and only 3 percent are over 8 inches. Although, if you’re a size queen, hope you’re a gay man because, supposedly, homosexuals, on average, have an extra one-third of an inch to work with. Hmm, who did the sexy “research” to get all this info? Our guess, based on access and the stories we’ve heard about the ‘70s: The Village People.
- Jonah Falcon, the man with a 13.5 incher, the biggest penis is the world, is unemployed and living with his mother. Size doesn’t matter. Case closed.
- Former handyman Charles Lennon had an erection that lasted 10 years when he got a steel penile implant in 1996. After a decade’s worth of embarrassment, the 68-year-old was awarded $400,000 for his pain and suffering. But what did his wife get?
- Sadly, smoking cigarettes isn’t just bad for your lungs. It will also shrink the trouser snake by up to a centimeter. Boners are all about blood flow and, as you know, puffing on a tobacco stick isn’t so great for circulation. Ugh, but James Dean looked so hot with a ciggie! Who knew that meant there was less of him to love?
- It’s not about a six-pack, a fat wallet, or even having loads of charm; turns out the guys that women are most attracted to have super sperm. In a Spanish study, girlies were asked to look at photos and pick the men they thought were stone cold foxes. With complete disregard for looks, women consistently picked the guys who were the best sperm makers, naturally. OK, but riddle me this, scientists: Why hasn’t George Clooney fathered any children?
- The average lady’s orgasm lasts 23 seconds. Sorry dudes, you only get six seconds in heaven. Guess we owe ya an extra 17 … if you’re up for it.
- There are 50 million sperm in the average wad, but there can be up to 300 million. Dang! Ever look around the room and think, “This is the one that beat all those other ones out!”? We are the champions, my friend.
- Forget shoe size, honey, the best indicator of a man’s penis size is his aptly named pointer finger. But it’s not an exact replica, so no worries.
Original by Simcha Whitehill