It’s Friday, and it’s about time for us single ladies to get our flirt on! Girl, it’s hard to find that mythic Mr. Right. Sometimes along the way we meet Mr. Freaky Deaky. Sure, we all have our kinks, but sometimes we’re left thinking “WTF, was that?!” So, for your amusement, we’ve compiled our funniest and most awkward sex moments.
- Spit It Out: “It’s always the straight-laced guys that are the freakiest. I was dating this yuppie who just had to spit on my tits, over and over again like he was Tourettes-ing spit. I’m not sure what that was about … And even though we got naked plenty of times, we never even had sex, he would just get lost in his whole boob ritual.”
- Hose Him Down: “This guy took off his pants to reveal he was wearing support hose. He was only in his late 20s, but had really bad varicose veins and had to wear these thigh-high granny stockings. That was off-putting, but I’m a good sport so I did the deed anyway. He kept the stockings on, by the way.”
- Nutty: “My old boyfriend put peanut butter on my boob and got his dog to lick it off. The things you’ll do in high school …”
- Razor’s Edge: “A guy once asked if he could cut me. When I said no, he asked if he could shave me. Then I left.”
- Three Strikes You’re Out: “I had a one-night stand with this Turkish dude, and I have to wonder if maybe there was just a cultural divide that made him think it was OK to slap me in the face, spit on me and give me a rim job in one fell swoop. Normally none of those things would phase me in isolation, but all together — with a guy I’d just met — was intensely freaky, and not in a good way. I beat a fast path out of there.”
- You’re Dead To Me: “My ex wanted to bone in a graveyard.”
- The Pits: “I hooked up with this HOT Brazilian dude in a warehouse in San Francisco who really really, really wanted to lick my armpits. I let him.”
- Big Baller: “One guy asked me to yank his balls—and I mean pull them. They were nearly touching the bed and he was kneeling, which I didn’t think was physically possible until I saw it. Then afterward, he told me I didn’t pull them enough.”
- Just For Sport: “I once dated a man who liked football. No, not the sport. To him it was me tickling his balls with my toes.”
- Slim Peck-ins: “I knew a guy who was too hot, an unbelievable kisser, a quarterback in college, had a Doctorate in Chemistry, was a model for Elite, and a scientist at everyone’s favorite booze company: Jack Daniels. Yes, this man was perfect. Except he didn’t want to have sex. We got all hot and heavy, and all he wanted at that point was for me to, ahem, lick his chest. Yup, that’s it. Lick—like a cat cleaning itself—his chest. So I did. Lots. And what a perfect chest it was!”
OK, we dished our dirtiest dirt. Now it’s your turn! What was your weirdest sexual encounter?
Original by Simcha Whitehill