The Worst Sexual Advice Ever Given to A Virgin

You’re gonna do it wrong!

The internet was in its toddler stage when I lost my virginity. I was going in with what I heard from strangers off internet chats, media depictions, and what I learned in health class. We didn’t have Google then, where you can instantly find millions of stories from people’s first time having intercourse. We also lacked easily accessible articles from doctors telling us that everyone’s first time is different. Having that information and advice has to make things go smoother for virgins these days.

There are countless articles, blogs, and message boards giving advice to virgins now, so they should be pretty confident going into bed. But the sexperts at r/AskReddit decided to get silly and users came up with the absolute worst things you can say and do the first time you you get it on.

Enjoy (and don’t try these)!

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Listening

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If a girl says “Yeah keep going like that” that means she wants you to speed up and go as hard as possible. (MatureGambino)

Just change it up entirely. Speed, position, angle. All of it. (Nah118)

The girl as well (Zet_x)

Oral

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Bite the dick. Make him feel like he’s caught in a car door. He’ll squeal like a fax machine. (hardestnuts)

Starfishing

Credit: Paramount Pictures

If you’re a girl, just lay there. He’ll handle all of it just fine so you don’t need to communicate at all. Also, if you feel any pain, don’t worry. It’ll be over soon enough and pain is 100% normal and expected. No changes need to be made whatsoever. (Gestice)

And ask “did you finish already“? (neonwaterfall)

Is it in yet? (circuital14)

Or better, “Are you done yet?” (AcierScrubx)

Medium Rare

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You can reconstruct your hymen with a little glue and some deli-sliced roast beef. (do-call-me-papi)

The ladies love this

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Remember hard thrusts immediately, no foreplay, ram it home and cum as soon as possible then start crying then leave without saying anything. (Juiciest_slut)

Respect mah authority!

CREDIT: Credit: Galina Tcivina/Shutterstock

“Stick it inside her and pee” – Eric Theodore Cartman (BaftyCrastards)

Please SHARE this with your most adventurous friends!

Original by Chewy Boese