My boyfriend and I have been together for over 10 years now. For maybe the first three years, I never once had an orgasm, which I attributed to us both being so young (we started dating at 16). Over the years our sex life has gotten so much better and I started to have orgasms, but only during foreplay. After so long having never experienced an orgasm during sex, I gave in, got over being embarrassed, and now happily touch myself during sex. This had made our sex life so much better! Awhile back, I finally achieved two orgasms, first during foreplay and second during sex. It was pretty mind-blowing. Sadly, I feel this was just a one-off for me, and I have not been able to achieve multiple orgasms since.
Now the big question: How the hell do you manage to make girls come over and over and over? Is there something we could be doing to help the situation?
Here’s the thing about porn stars: We’re whores! We’re sluts! Generally speaking, people don’t get into porn if they hate sex. Yes, there are exceptions. There is the occasional person who treats it as just a job and maybe fakes their orgasms because they’re not actually that into it. (If you can’t tell who they are, that means they’re doing their job perfectly.) But the majority of us are in porn because we love to have a lot of sex. The women you see me giving tons of orgasms? They’re dirty, slutty ho bags like myself, have giant sexual appetites and are very into doing all sorts of crazy things in bed. People who do porn are not normal though! You don’t do porn, so you should stop comparing yourself to those who do.
Now, just because someone in a porno is having a bunch of crazy orgasms doesn’t mean they’re necessarily all real — they might be fake. Plenty of porn stars aren’t multi-orgasmic. Julia Ann is a great example — she’s a very sexual human being, but she has ONE orgasm. She can’t have multiple orgasms. One time, I made the mistake of bringing her to orgasm before the end of the scene, and then the rest of the scene was fucking terrible, because she was like, “I can’t. I just can’t have sex anymore. I can have one orgasm and then I’m done!”
But put porn aside for a second and think of Cirque de Soleil or NASCAR. Do you say, “Why can’t I drive my car at 220 mph on the freeway, like Jeff Gordon, and not crash? What the hell! I tried driving my car on the freeway at 220 mph and I got in an accident. But I saw Jeff Gordon do it!”
Do you go to see Cirque de Soleil and then say, “I saw this guy hanging upside down by his toe and swinging around in circles while juggling shit that was on fire — but when I tried doing that I couldn’t do it!” Of course not.
Similarly, you shouldn’t watch porn and think you should be able to have sex like we do. That’s why we have our jobs and you have your job. I’m sure you have a job that you are good at and I hope you enjoy and that other people can’t do. I can’t drive 220 mph on the freeway without crashing, I can’t hang by my toe and juggle fire, but I can fuck for hours every day. Yeah, because porn involves having sex, it may be a little more relatable, but porn is still part of the entertainment industry – it’s not the same thing as the sex you’re having at home. We’re not the same makeup – it’s why we do porn and you don’t. We’re not fucked up or weird, but there’s a reason why some people do porn, some people work at a hair salon, some people work at NASA, and some people at Cirque de Soleil. It doesn’t mean one is more fucked up than the other, or has experienced more trauma, it just means that people have different personality types and different things that they’re into. And people who are hyper sexual? They are far more likely to be drawn to the adult film world than someone who isn’t as sexual or struggles with achieving orgasm.
Let’s say you take 10,000 women and decide you’re going to analyze their orgasms, Masters & Johnson-style. You get your data about clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms, and you discover that of the 10,000 women you’ve studied, there are 200 of them that come really easily. So, I go to those 200 women and say, “How would you like to have orgasms professionally and do porn for a living?” They say yes, and now those 200 women and their orgasms are the only ones being shown to the world – but then the world looks to these 200 women as the standard and forgets that these 200 women are 200 out of 10,000. In other words, the women that you see in porn are a very visible but small percentage of that 10,000 – they are not the constant or the norm.
Check out my amateur scenes on JamesDeen.com (NSFW!), where I have sex with women from all over the world who have applied to do a scene with me – some of them have orgasms like crazy, some of them don’t have orgasms at all, and some of them just have one orgasm. Yes, these women like sex, but they aren’t professionals and these scenes give a much more accurate depiction of female sexuality because they reflect the full 10,000 instead of the 200. Compare one of these amateur scenes against a scene from my other series, “Porn Stars Off Set” (also NSFW!) and you’ll see the vast difference between a professionally working adult film star and an amateur, average woman and what their sexual responses are.
You’re on track! You’re doing okay! Your sex life sounds good! I’m sure everyone would like to have more orgasms — I wish I was having orgasms right now! I wish throughout this entire column, I was having one giant orgasm. Unfortunately, I can’t maintain an orgasm for that long. And I can’t have one after the next after the next after the next, just non-stop, either. But also? Not having orgasms makes the times when you are having orgasms feel even better, in theory, right? So it’s good that you’re not having orgasms non-stop.
Honestly, if you were having sex with me, I probably wouldn’t be giving you the orgasms that you see me give to the women that I’m doing scenes with because those are their orgasms and you can’t have their orgasms! You can have your orgasms! And only your orgasms! And no one else can have your orgasms! Because they’re yours! So enjoy them and stop worrying about the ones you’re not having.
Original by: James Deen