What it’s like to wait
Our society has gotten more and more accepting of frank talk about matters that used to be considered taboo. Not just gender-norms and sexual orientations, but actual bedroom talk in public and sexy scenes on TV and in movies. Women can discuss what they like in the bedroom without fear of judgement. We have dating apps that some people just use to look for a one night stand.
Than again, there are millions of Americans who still hold traditional values when it comes to sexy times. It’s not uncommon in some religions for both the man and woman to wait until marriage until they consummate. If you’ve ever seen 19 Kids and Counting, you know that The Duggars — who are only allowed to “side hug” for physical affection — are Independent Baptist. Their engaged children can’t even kiss their betrothed until the wedding ceremony!
Of course a slew of questions pop up. What if they suck at making out? What if they aren’t a good match in the sack? Well that’s what happened to J. Renee, who told her disappointing tale of finally losing her virginity and it being crappy.
The First Time
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“I had held on to my prized possession,” J. wrote of her virginity. For 25 years, she was raised in a church that stressed the importance of abstinence. J. had potential suitors, but knew they just wanted one thing from her. She was waiting for true love before giving into sex.
J. met her husband to be at a Christian college. He was nothing but a gentleman to her. Not to mention that his desire to be a pastor meant he never pressured her into sex.
They dated for four years and they did indeed fool around, but never had penetrative sex. She was doing what was expected of her as a “good Christian girl.” Her friends joked that since they weren’t having sex, that they might end up having bad sex… which is exactly what happened.
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2011, when her boyfriend proposed. Of course J. was elated: “I had followed the plan—I went to school, got good grades, didn’t date a lot, didn’t party or do drugs, and certainly didn’t have sex, so I made the decision that since I was finally engaged and going to spend the rest of my life with this man, I would unlock the chastity belt.”
Sexy Time!
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Even though they weren’t yet married, being a little tipsy, the couple decided to have sex once they got engaged. They were planning on spending the rest of their lives together, after all. J. recalls,” It was good. It was exciting. It was new.”
Of course J., like everyone, had urges since puberty so she was happy to experience what all the fuss was about. But she felt like “something was missing.” She continued: “I was surprised that I lacked the feeling of ecstasy that so many of my friends had described. I just assumed it would get better as time went on. They say practice makes perfect, and after all, we were just getting started.”
Soon after, the two were married with a perfect honeymoon. It slowly began to down on J. that she was “a bit more adventurous than he was.”
She was curious about certain sexual things and wanted to experiment, but her husband, who was more experienced than she was, didn’t want to try anything new. She even tried communicating her “lack of satisfaction,” but of course he became defensive on “the quality of the performance.”
As the years went on, the more bored J. got with their sex lives. It seemed liked a chore for her, so she started drinking to try to enjoy it.
New Times
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Of course J.’s marriage went further downhill. She seemed to only agree to have it for reasons other than pleasure, like so they wouldn’t fight.
It was three years of marriage before the divorce.
J. eventually started dating and again and finally understood “the joys of what sex could be.” Her first sexual partner was with a good friend of hers “who [she] had a deep connection with.” She explained that for the first time, her inhibitions in the bedroom were truly at bay. “I didn’t feel uncomfortable or embarrassed as I did with my ex-husband,” J. explained.
As J. started to date around, she began to learn about who she was. She realized that “alpha-males” — men who were dominant in real life and in the bedroom — were her thing. That just wasn’t who her ex was.
J. actually doesn’t regret waiting to loser her virginity, but wouldn’t make the same choices is she had do it over again: “I saved myself for my husband and was disappointed, yet as unpleasant of an experience as it was, I am thankful for it. I learned to let my inhibitions go, stop judging myself through his eyes, and own and accept my sexuality.”
Read J.’s full story over here.
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Original by Chewy Boese
