A 35-year old man from New York City is currently living his best goddamn life after getting a penile implant because his fianceé of six years broke up with him because his dick was too small.

The New York Post reports that Jason, a man with a 3-inch penis until very recently, was “devastated” after his relationship ended.

“It caused me to question my sexuality,” he says. “I just figured that these were the cards I had been dealt and nothing could be done.”

Then a year or so later — still smarting from the breakup — Jason was listlessly Googling “penile enhancement” and reading through reams of scam offers when he came across California-based urologist Dr. James Elist, who promotes such seemingly impossible dreams on his website. A jolly man of 66, Elist believed he could substantially increase Jason’s 3-inch member.

“I had a single question,” Jason recalls. “ ‘When do I start?’”

The procedure is only available in Dr. Elist’s Beverly Hills’ office, and uses a type of silicone that’s harder than breast implants: all the better to simulate the feel of an actual wang, I guess? Here’s how this complicated piece of medical technology works, according to the good doctor.

“It is a 270-degree tube made of very soft silicone, shaped like your penis from the base to the head,” he says.

“It gets inserted into the member via a small incision in the groin and the girth immediately increases by about 2 inches. Same with the length. If you were 3 inches flaccid and 5 inches erect, 3 goes to 5 and 5 goes to 6 on average.” After two or three years, weight from the implant will stretch the penis by an additional half-inch or so.”

Wow, that sounds…yeah. After the operation takes place, the recommended rest time before getting your new dong all up in it is about four weeks, but Jason took no chances and waited “four months” before a lucky lady got the full, uh, thrust, perhaps out of fear that he’d damage his $13,000 peener.

And what of that lucky lady who got to test drive his Lil Smokey? Was she impressed? Did she hit up the group chat in the bathroom with a series of eggplant emoji indicating that she’d stumbled upon the biggest and best-est wang she’s ever seen?

“She didn’t get to see it that night, but she definitely felt it,” he told the Post. In fact, last month, three months after meeting, we got engaged to be married — and she has no complaints at all.”

I see what ya did there, bud. Congrats.

Original by Megan Reynolds @mega_hurt