A little over a week ago, I anonymously published a Frisky Rant piece titled “I Don’t Care If You Haven’t Come Yet.” It detailed an encounter I had with a male partner where, after experiencing a great orgasm, I wanted a moment to enjoy and recuperate — much to his dismay. He was very upset that he had not yet climaxed and wanted to continue to have sex, but my body had already entered the “refractory period” — where chemicals like oxytocin flood the brain resulting in that lazy, tired feeling. Quite frankly, I was just no longer interested and did not understand why he felt it was OK to pressure me into continuing to have sex with him — especially given how common it is for men to think sex ends once they have come. Ultimately, in my opinion, no one is responsible for another person’s orgasm. Sex is an act to be enjoyed by consenting parties that may not always be “fair” but should always be enjoyable for everyone.
When I penned the rant, I never expected or intended to actually offend anyone — I was just looking to superficially complain about an encounter and express my opinion on a subject I thought a lot of other women might relate to. But after reading the comments — many of which express offense or anger — I have decided to disclose my identity and respond to some of their arguments.
1. “You’re selfish.” A very common response to the rant was the observation of my self-serving nature. To some extent, I can’t really disagree with that — perhaps I am a bit selfish in bed. I believe that every human being is primarily bound to oneself, before anyone else, especially when it comes to sexuality. As a young woman in the modern Western world, I am very familiar with the vast number of ways that female sexuality is frequently marginalized and often times condemned. I mean, is there a G-spot or not? Is squirting real or not? Is there a difference between vaginal/clitoral orgasm? There are so many unanswered questions about female sexuality, while the secrets of male sexuality have been mostly unlocked. I mean, it’s estimated that 10-15 percent of women have never even experienced an orgasm at all. Thus, I believe a certain degree of selfishness is not only healthy but required of women in order to maintain healthy sexual relationships and truly come to an understanding of how their anatomy functions in a society that often gives few insights.
Nevertheless, still, many readers may have misconstrued the overall point of the piece. I never said that a partner should not be open to helping a partner achieve complete sexual satisfaction. Matter of fact, the piece ended with this statement: “It’s time that we shake these notions, enjoy the moment … and then go again.” I wasn’t rejecting my partner in perpetuity — I simply was ranting about wanting a moment to enjoy my orgasm and not be rushed to please someone else, because it’s expected that, as a woman, I should always be ready and willing to “help him finish.”
2. “It’s a shame that you aren’t multi-orgasmic.” Wait, did someone enter me into the Orgasm Olympics without telling me? I am in no race to be the orgasm queen and I don’t see any need for me to be. Cannot imagine anyone shaming a man for needing to rest between rounds of sex or after a single orgasm. Such condescension has no place in the bedroom, certainly does not productively add to conversation about female sexuality, and actually reinforces the unfair rules that govern male/female sexual interactions. Society shames women enough. Now we must be shamed for not being multi-orgasmic? Sigh.
3. “This was just click bait.” Whenever I experience a strong emotional response to something, the first thing I always want to do is write about it. Sometimes readers take interest because they also have strong and/or similar opinions or experiences. Other times, pieces that I am very passionate about fly right under the radar. I can never really predict how readers will respond to an opinion and I definitely did not expect a huge response to the rant, so no, it was not written with the intention of being click bait. Also, in order for click bait to be successful, people have to actually click on it, so if something looks like clickbait to you, and that makes you annoyed/angry, don’t click on it!
4. “I expected this article would explore the subject matter in depth.” The piece was written as and titled a rant, and rants infrequently offer depth or insight. The reader who clicked on an article titled a rant, but expected a deep dive into the subject, set themselves up to be disappointed.
5. “This is why feminists get a TERRIBLE reputation. YOU. People like you.”Wait, women who write honestly about their sexual experiences and opinions are why feminists get a terrible reputation? Here I was blaming MRAs for spreading misinformation about feminism. Or the fact that the broader feminist movement often marginalizes the voices of women of color. Nope. It’s women who write about their sexual experiences and opinions who give feminism a bad rep. Now I know.
6. “I think you are a jerk.” People who rant are often times considered jerks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It’s cool.
7. “Sex is a mutual act and you need to grow up.” Sex requires give and take — like giving a partner a moment to enjoy an orgasm before taking their attention in order to have your own. Climax/orgasm is the body’s natural response to sexual stimulation. How each individual responds to that influx of brain chemicals varies from person to person. Some people may be excited and happy to go right away. Others need a moment. We should all be free to respond individually to sexual climax, without biased gender notions creating unfair expectations.
8. “You could’ve communicated about it before hand.” Not every sexual encounter is the same and I’ve never actually heard of a conversation where a man sits around to explain that he may not be ready to continue having sex immediately after his first orgasm. Sexual exploration should be a freeing experience, not one riddled with expectations that require you to preemptively explain your body’s response to orgasm.
9. “So because someone did it to you, it’s okay for you to do it to them?” Requesting a moment to enjoy an orgasm is not the same as intentionally dismissing a partner’s sexual desires or needs. To be clear, I am not at all offended if a male partner needs a breather after round one, including if I have not come yet. Matter of fact, I am usually pretty psyched when my partner is brought to that euphoric state, completely pleased and tired. I also don’t expect that my partner will make me come during every sexual encounter. All I want is that same respect.
Original by Tiffanie Drayton